Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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