mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
