her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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