You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
