I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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