I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
