i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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