my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
