Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
