I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
