I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
