Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize