Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
