How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
