How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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