I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I want her autograph on my taint
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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