Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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