She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
