God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
