I'm pants shitting drunk right now
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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