I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
