normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Acid is not a monday night drug
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Hippo gnu deer
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
