Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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