She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dicks are not precious.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
