I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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