My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
