I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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