Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How naked do you want me to be?
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