Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
