Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
