You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
