Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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