FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
