got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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