ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
