just come out here and I will go home with you...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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