I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
