If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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