Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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