Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
