you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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