we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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