nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
