i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
