So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
