Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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