nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
