My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do vagina's smell?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think your dad took our porno
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
