Princesses don't give blow jobs
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
