I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
