Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
