I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
