I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
