my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
