I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
