dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
