I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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